College Dorm Essentials You Unwisely “Forgot,” You Cheap Idiot

How can you possibly expect them to succeed without these?

Too much is almost enough

Remember when you went to college and decorated your dorm room with a printed “tapestry” and Absolut Vodka ads ripped out of magazines?

Well, guess what? Vague cultural appropriation and glamorizing alcohol consumption using unrecycled printed paper are no longer acceptable interior design styles. And it’s not just because college students don’t read magazines.

The experts — designers, Walmart, and the American Association of Overly Anxious Parents — have realized that college students need more! Much, much more!

Dorm rooms aren’t just rooms to sleep in. They are mini studio apartments that should look suitable at all times for a photo shoot by either PBTeen or Architectural Digest.

In case no one told you, it was your job to convert that rectangular cement-block igloo into a cozy retreat for your offspring.

And you failed!

You didn’t really think your kid could sleep on just that Twin XL mattress with only sheets and a comforter, did you?

You must have been born yesterday. Or, as you call it, the 20th century?

Why do they not have a 3” foam mattress topper? Do you live under a rock — or just like to sleep on one?

What about an organic, double-quilted, waterproof, but breathable mattress pad? Or an anti-bed-bug, zippered (don’t even consider velcro!) mattress encasement?

This is not a camping trip — that should have been obvious.

At least the hypo-allergenic, vinyl-free, positive ion-only mattress cover should have been a no-brainer.

Your student needs these things. Immediately.

Assuming you aren’t a sadist who enjoys the thought of your offspring perspiring in the middle of the night on some shitty cotton blend sheets (Were you born without a conscience?), you also better replace the crap you got at Home Goods with two sets of minimum 400-thread-count organic cotton sheets and a reversible down-alternative filled quilted comforter.

Then, what you need to get is a hand-carved Acadia-wood headboard, a Sherpa-covered backrest, a body pillow so they can sleep on their side with proper spinal alignment, a thin bed pillow for stomach sleeping, a thick pillow for back sleeping, and a pool noodle to wedge between their bed and the wall so their phone doesn’t fall through that cavernous gap you pretended not to notice.

Did you actually expect them to bend down and pick it up each time this happens?

Additionally, but not optionally, be sure to get a lightweight throw blanket, a 20-lb. weighted blanket, and moisture-wicking cooling sheets made from fabric developed by astronauts for life on Mars to be used when the heat in the dorm inexplicably gets set at 80 degrees in the dead of winter.

All these things will help the bed to be comfortable at least, but just as important is air in the room.

You can’t see it, but it’s everywhere and leaves a lot to be desired.

Fortunately it’s easily fixed with a white noise sound machine to drown out their neighbors’ unfortunate taste in music, an air purifier so they don’t inhale legal carcinogens and the scent of the Indian takeout containers left under the bed, a dehumidifier to get rid of that musty, wet-towel-on-the-floor-scent, and an essential oil diffuser to scent the air with rosemary, pickled sage, and durian fruit essential oils, scientifically proven to help improve their memory, keep their GPA above a 3.5 and make them popular with members of all the sexes!

You can already feel that this room is improving, can’t you?

Now let’s talk about lighting design.

You did not think about this at all?

You bought one measly desk light! How is your student supposed to adapt their room to suit their mood if you don’t buy them some fairy string lights, LED light ropes, a lighted vanity mirror, a nightstand lamp coordinated with their roommate, a neon sign of their name, and a lamp containing a genie obligated to fulfill three wishes if rubbed the right way?

I mean, it’s just common sense.

Now, I appreciate that you left your student with some of their favorite snacks. You can recognize that they should not have to walk to the dining hall to get food like you did. Remember, this is the 21st century!

But where you fell short is with drinks. Are they supposed to drink unfiltered tap water?

Are you trying to recreate life on the Oregon Trail?

You need to get them a filtered water dispenser, obviously. Also, if you really want to make a difference, get an ice maker that makes ice in the shape of their school’s mascot and a Snoopy Snow Cone Machine. Not only will this device give them a decent bicep workout, but it will also help them make friends on their hall.

Not to mention that adding artificially flavored watermelon shaved ice to cheap vodka has been shown to help prevent hangovers. So this is like a “three birds with one stone” purchase for the low, low price of only $19.99.

And, for God’s sake, don’t skip the espresso machine! You can balk at the price if you want, but you seriously need to get over yourself. If they’re going to be expected to be in class at the crack of 12:30 p.m., they absolutely need one.

Yes, a decent espresso machine can be pricey. But not compared to an additional year of college. Do you want them to fail and have to retake classes?

I didn’t think so.

Now get shopping before it’s too late. It’s going to be time for midterms before you know it!

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Hi Substack Friends!

I hope that if you have had kids in college lately, you could relate to this piece. And if you haven’t, you now know things have changed quite a bit! You might think this piece is just humor, but, honestly, it’s kinda true too.

I must be middle-aged because it makes me nostalgic for the days when I actually did decorate my room with pages ripped out of magazines.

Which reminds me, I also miss magazines.

Anyway, the excitement here is that next week I’ll be away at my very first writing residency, where I plan to work on putting together a book of my best parenting humor — and writing a bunch more of it! I’ve never left my family for a week before, and my youngest is a senior in high school, so it’s been a while.

Close to 20 years, and also never.

I will tell you how it goes when I get back. In the meantime, you can let me know if this piece should be included in the book. :)

Thanks for reading Humor in the Middle!

Jen