EU Scientists Now Recommend Sarcasm as Legitimate Means for Americans to Stay Sane

This might be our only chance.

This is really helping, can’t you tell?

Good news out of Brussels, Belgium, today for those Americans whose sanity is currently hanging on by a thread. If you’ve tried cutting back on your consumption of news, attempted to curate an inspiring social media feed, and have replaced all the flooring in your home with actual grass, and you still can’t shake the feeling of a crippling existential crisis caused by the daily news you feel powerless to stop, there’s an easier option for protecting what’s left of your mental health: Sarcasm.

On Thursday, an international group of European psychologists from We Are Worried About Americans (WAWAA) issued a joint statement reminding all Americans that no matter what happens, every individual still retains the power to control how they react to what happens. And in this case, since the average American is out of any other possible options, they recommend reacting with sarcasm.

“Honestly, from across the Atlantic, it feels like we’re watching a horrific accident happen in slow motion and there’s nothing we can do to stop it,” said WAWAA representative Alfred Dollich, before adding, “It’s like a bad dream. So we understand these feelings of hopelessness and dread we’re seeing expressed. They just aren’t helping. However, sarcasm can.”

How exactly do you use sarcasm to help combat feelings of hopelessness? Experts say it’s actually easy. Simply say the opposite of what you think, but in a sincere tone. Try things like, “I’m sure everything will be fine.” “At least we know the President has really thought this all through.” Or even, “This will all be fixed after the mid-terms.” To properly convey that you’re not sincere, It helps to raise your eyebrows when you speak.

How exactly will this make an American feel better? Well, such statements, expressed in just the right tone, have a better than 50% chance of making someone within earshot laugh, and this can do wonders for a person’s self-esteem. Individuals with higher self-esteem will be more capable of sustaining the belief that they will be able to retain their job, home, family, friends, and sanity until Inauguration Day 2029, even though that sounds very, very far away. In fact, it’s so far away, this may even cause them to laugh too. And laughter releases endorphins, which, as natural pain relievers, are something you really need.

For those Americans who’ve already decided to isolate themselves from a society they find increasingly depressing, unhinged, and impossible to respect, such sarcastic remarks made while alone might make them feel like they’re the star of their own comedy series on HBO. The benefits of feeling like the Larry David of Peoria, Illinois, can’t be overstated.

Asked whether the decision to react with sarcasm is in any way desperate or confirms the imminent collapse of American democracy, WAWAA representative Dollich smiled, raised his eyebrows, and said, “Not at all!”

While WAWAA has high hopes for sarcasm’s ability to protect what’s left of Americans’ bruised and battered mental health, they’re also conducting further research to see if just deciding we’re all already dead and just living in a simulation may help just as well, or perhaps even better, because that would be great!

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Hi Substack Friends!

I’m enjoying my first writing residency so much, I nearly forgot what day of the week it is!

Luckily, I remembered, because I’ve been excited to share this piece with you and curious to hear your response.

When I started writing this Substack in January, I wanted it to provide a fun little break from the real world and avoid politics. Still, even in creating humor, it has seemed more and more difficult to ignore the stressful and seemingly precarious situation we Americans are in. So I have started experimenting with writing some, let’s say, politically-adjacent humor that acknowledges how at least some of us are feeling about it.

If you’ve read this far (Thank you!), I’d love to know your thoughts on this piece and whether you’d like to read any more humor like this. Personally, humor is a great help to me in times of uncertainty and stress, so I hope you agree.

Thanks for reading Humor in the Middle!

Jen