How We Discovered the Secrets to a Conflict-Free Marriage!

It’s not about compromise, like at all

Photo by Chip Vincent on Unsplash

Not long ago, my husband, Bill, and I were like every average married couple. We had minor arguments weekly, larger arguments monthly, and annoyed the heck out of each other almost daily.

We were in love, but something didn’t feel right. Should marriage be this hard?

Neither of us like to work hard, so we wanted to find a way to get along that would be easy.

The nights were rough. Bill and I argued about when to turn off the TV and the lights. I was frequently awakened by his snoring or, worse, the g-d CPAP machine!

Meanwhile, if I got out of bed to use the bathroom before 6 a.m. he accused me of ruining his entire day by waking him up!

While we had no interest in divorce, we heard about this thing called “sleep divorce” and decided to give it a try. He began sleeping in the guest room.

And you know what? Call it what you want, we both loved it! For the first time, it was easy not to fight or get annoyed with one another all night long.

Separate beds solved our nighttime arguments, but we still had the days. Even with a good night’s sleep, life was not perfect.

One thing that really bugged me was how Bill would always ask me to find items for him in the refrigerator. I’d have to walk over to the fridge and point to the ketchup that was 11” from his face.

Talk about annoying.

And he always complained about how I never put items back in our refrigerator in the exact same spot.

I had to be honest and say, this was not something I was able or willing to do. But when you’re married, you want your partner to be happy.

After the success of separate bedrooms, I knew what would make him happy: separate refrigerators.

It turned out that having our own refrigerators made us both a lot happier.

Recognizing how much happier separate bedrooms and refrigerators made us, we wondered what else in the house was holding us back from this kind of easy happiness.

We discovered many things: the temperature set on the thermostat, the music playing in the background, whether the windows were open or the A/C was on, and, especially, our constant debate over whether it was better to burn frankincense incense or use an apple & cinnamon scented Renuzit PlugIn for air freshening.

Everyone will tell you that marriage is about compromise.

We decided having things the way you want is much better.

When the house next door went on the market, we took it as a sign. We bought it and Bill moved next door.

We each had our own house, just the way we wanted it.

Honestly, it felt like we were dating again. It was romantic and sweet — and easy.

Then December arrived, the weather got cold, and Bill became unhappy. His grouchiness negatively affected our relationship, even though we only spent an hour a day together.

We both realized Bill would be happier in the desert where it was always warmer. So he moved to Tuscon, Arizona.

Then, with nothing keeping me in Illinois, I moved to Iceland. I love winter!

Since we now live in different time zones, we decided only to communicate via text, so we could each reply when convenient. That seemed easiest.

But, as you might have guessed, it’s hard to base an entire marriage on a text thread!

Eventually, I realized texting wasn’t making us happy.

So I asked Bill if we should stop texting to avoid arguments and misunderstandings.

I didn’t hear back for three days, so to follow up, I texted, “What do you think?” and immediately got a reply:

Unable to send message–message blocking active

I had to smile. Bill and I agreed — again.

I blocked his number too, just for good measure. And since then, we haven’t had a single fight. Not one.

We finally have a marriage that’s truly conflict-free — and, it’s easy!

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Hello friends,

Well, we made it through another week, including Valentine’s Day. Did you celebrate? I don’t, but I bought my husband a baguette he didn’t have to share with anyone, and he watched Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy with me. Initially, he thought he was doing me a favor, but he actually liked it. I cried my eyes out and just loved it. Highly recommend!

This week seemed like a good time to share some relationship humor. Plus, it’s always fun to make fun of posts promising to share some big secret that’s either a) glaringly obvious and unoriginal or b) impossible to execute.

If you enjoyed this piece, I’d be so grateful if you’d share it as a Note on Substack or with friends who could use a laugh.

No one I know laughed nearly enough this week, and even if there are good reasons for that, we can’t give up on laughter.

Thanks for reading!

Jen

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