News, a True Story, and a Few Questions

Plus a short humor piece inspired by red lights

Hello Substack Friends!

Mixing things up here and starting with a personal note this time.

But first, can I say, Spring is here, and oh my gosh, I’m so happy about that. Taking my dogs for a walk without a hat, gloves, scarf, boots, and winter coat is one of life’s pleasures. I walk to exercise, to maintain my sanity, and to find ideas in the air, but it’s a lot easier and more enjoyable to do when it’s not miserably cold/wet/windy.

Also, I really think ideas prefer nice weather, because they come to visit me more often when I’m not shivering, just saying.

The News

I’m going to the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop in Dayton, Ohio, next week. I’m excited! And nervous, because I’m pretty introverted. Not in the way where I don’t talk to people, but in the way that talking to new people for hours exhausts me to the core and requires me to curl up in bed in the fetal position in silence for several hours to recover.

Luckily, I also have a long solo drive on the way there and back to prepare, decompress, and listen to 90s music while pretending I’m in my 20s.

I’m looking forward to that.

I was going to say, this is my first in-person writing conference-type thing.

But then I remembered, it isn’t.

And this is where the true story comes in.

A True Story

I went to a writing conference once, in Santa Fe, New Mexico.

It was a screenwriting conference at the since-closed College of Santa Fe. I’m pretty sure I got a flyer advertising it in the mail because I subscribed to Premiere Magazine.

This is how long ago it was: I had magazine subscriptions.

The ad said, “Chances are, you’ll meet someone who will change your life.”

This sounded exciting. I had just finished a Master’s degree program at Penn and was living with my parents. I was up for a change.

At the time, I was also writing a comedy script about a married couple who switched bodies. Think Freaky Friday meets Mr. Mom, except not nearly as funny, because I didn’t really know how to write a script.

BTW, if you want to read it, it’s in my basement somewhere.

Just kidding, I will not show you.

Anyway, as I mentioned, I’m on the introverted side. So, after having arrived the night before in Santa Fe, when I woke up in my cinder block dorm room the first morning of the conference, I got dressed, looked at myself in the mirror, and said something like, “Okay, you can do this. Just be friendly and outgoing.”

And then I headed out. As I walked down the hallway to the stairwell, I saw two men leaving their room at the same time.

Either the pep talk worked, or I was momentarily possessed by an extrovert, because I said, “Hi! Are you guys going to breakfast?”

TO COMPLETE STRANGERS.

They seemed a bit surprised to see me, but we all introduced ourselves. Henrik was from Sweden. Frederic was from France. They’d flown in from San Francisco very late the previous night. For the briefest of moments, I think a part of me thought they might be a couple, but I definitely hoped they’d be my friends for the weekend.

But then, as we all walked down the stairwell at the end of the hall, Frederic somehow communicated that he was heterosexual and single.

Oh, how I wish I remembered the exact words. Subtle, certainly.

But I knew for sure they were not a couple. (Henrik was, and still is, married to a woman.)

We continued to chat as I took them to registration, and we made our way to breakfast. We sat down to eat, and within a few minutes, as I looked at Frederic, I had the strangest thought.

This is a man.

Well, obviously! But though these are the words I thought, they aren’t exactly what I was thinking.

What I meant was: This is my husband.

That was 25 years ago. We have now been married 22.5 years. Our daughters will soon be 18 and 20.

So, no, I didn’t sell my script, but yes, Santa Fe Screenwriting Conference, I did meet someone who would change my life.

And here I am 25 years later, after a very long break, back again writing humor, but in a different format. And I am going to a writing workshop. Which leads to…

The Questions

• If you’ve gone to a writing workshop or conference, what are your tips? Any advice for someone who has not gone to one in a long, long time?

• In particular, any advice on how not to leave with a husband? I am not looking for a second one.

• If you’re not into writing conferences, I’d still like to know, as a reader of Humor in the Middle, do you like true stories like this, or would you prefer I stick to just my usual short form humor pieces?

If you’re going to Erma, please let me know! I will have on my extrovert-ist persona and would love to meet you!

Thanks for reading and supporting Humor in the Middle!

xo,

Jen

---

---

This is a piece I had published in Slackjaw in the fall, and it’s my humor recommendation this time. So I hope you read and enjoy it!

It’s one of my favorite pieces from last year because it came out of my lifelong concerns about how much fellow drivers have ever noticed about the weird and embarrassing things I do while stopped at red lights.

Imagined Compliments From Drivers Stopped Next To Me At Red Lights

Hi, I couldn’t help but notice the way you slowed down to stop just behind the line was incredibly smooth. Well done!

I don’t usually talk to drivers in the car next to me at red lights, but I have to say I loved the way you chugged that lime-flavored seltzer.

Your dog is so cute, sticking his head out of the window! Almost as adorable as her driver.

Queen, those sunglasses are so cool; I barely noticed that you’re driving a minivan.

Pardon me, but are you a DJ? I’ve never heard someone so perfectly select a song ideally suited to the weather, geography, and national morale.

Wow, I have to tell you, that is the best driver’s seat dancing I’ve ever witnessed, hands down. I didn’t know all those moves were possible while secured in a seatbelt.

Oh my gosh, I seriously thought you must be filming a commercial when I saw you chugging the last of those Pringles directly from the can. That look is so iconic — especially the crumbs on your chest.

Hey, don’t bother checking the mirror! Trust me, your hair looks like you just came from the salon.

Sorry, but is that a custom blend of orange, peppermint, and rosemary essential oils I smell coming from your car? Right on with the non-toxic air freshener!

I hate to interrupt, but your rendition of “Man! I Feel Like a Woman!” is so good I can barely tell where Shania ends and you begin. Are you, by chance, looking for representation?

I have to tell you, the advice you just gave your friend on the speakerphone was so insightful and profound that, at first, I thought it was a podcast.

Holy cow, the way you just took off your bra without removing your sweatshirt was very impressive!!

Oh my God, when you let out that frustrated scream while tightly gripping the steering wheel, I recognized something: you’re the voice of a generation. All of them, probably.

Here, please take these five hundred dollars! I can tell you’re really stressed out and need a day off, because, before you started yelling at your kids, you looked so young and cool, I thought you were all just a group of friends on your way to a music festival.

---

What have you watched or read lately that you found funny? I’d love to know!

---

✉️Were you forwarded this email? This is an issue of Humor in the Middle, a bi-monthly newsletter featuring original humor writing by Jennifer Haubrich, as well as links and recommendations to help you smile, laugh, and enjoy more moments of full-out hilarity 😆 in the middle of life in this crazy, crazy world. 🤡 🌎

If you’d like to subscribe, click here. It’s free!

I promise not to fill your inbox with depressing news, because we both have enough of that already, and science proves that taking a break is not only okay, but GOOD FOR YOU.

Want permission to look for more reasons to laugh? Here you go.

Share this with a friend who could use more humor in their life!

Do you even know anyone who doesn’t??!