Quiz: Is Your Heart Racing From That Coffee or the Non-Stop Breaking News?
It's time to find out.
While sipping a 6 oz. decaf, you peek into your neighbor’s bag at your weekly knitting circle and see the cover of The Christian Science Monitor tucked in next to their yarn. You develop such a headache that you not only can’t remember if you were on a knit or purl stitch, you also can’t remember how to tell the difference.
After nearly finishing your mug of Folgers Instant coffee on your commute, your uncharacteristically shaky hand spills the last ounce on your lap just as you turn on your work computer and absorb the headlines on APNews.
While enjoying a delicious grande half-caff, you overhear snippets of “Reuters World News” playing three cubicles away. Feeling unusually nervous, you sign off on an email to your client with “Make it stop” instead of “Best regards.”
After drinking a mid-morning café con leche, you stop by the dry cleaner, where they have Telemundo on. Your high school Spanish skills tell you your estómago no esta bien. In a hurry to get out of there, you try paying the bill with your library card.
After today’s post-lunch cappuccino, severe nausea hits you while listening to the BBC report on the American news. You vow you’ll spend your weekends donating blood, picking up trash, and tutoring orphans if you ever stop feeling sick – and get transferred to the London office ASAP.
One morning on the train, you down a double espresso and read an op-ed from the Wall Street Journal. Afterwards, watching the scenery speed by makes you feel so dizzy, you miss your stop. And one after that.
Energized and feeling capable thanks to a delicious iced coffee with almond milk, you decide to listen to all 4 minutes and 40 seconds of NPR News Now. You wake up on the floor 4 minutes and 41 seconds later, being fanned with the year-end report by Gwyneth from accounting.
After consuming a pot of French dark roast, you open the print edition of The Sunday New York Times. But after 12 minutes, you’re so jittery you can no longer read a word and keep hitting yourself in the face with the paper. Frightened, you toss the newspaper on the ground, notice ink stains on your hands, and shout, “Out, out, damn spot!”
Having just gotten off a red-eye, you suck down a venti blonde roast with an added shot of espresso and open the latest issue of the New Yorker (adorned with a misleadingly fanciful cover) while standing at baggage claim. Five minutes later, you’re so agitated, you decide to walk from JFK to midtown Manhattan, without your suitcase.
After downing a large cold brew with a pint of dark chocolate-covered coffee beans on the side, you trip while walking through the living room where your spouse is watching MSNBC. Right after you hear what Rachel Maddow says, and before your head hits the coffee table, you experience a minor heart attack.
You mainline the entire contents of a medical-grade French press while scrolling BlueSky and wake up in the ICU 5 days later.
You’ve been stranded on a deserted island since November 4, 2024, and you were so damn thirsty, you drank an entire case of Java Monster Triple Shots that washed up on the shore. You simultaneously start vomiting and soiling what remains of your pants.
1-11: Based on your news consumption, there is no such thing as too much coffee. Consider having another.
12: Your heart is racing from too much coffee!! You'd better cut back, or you’re gonna hurt yourself.
Hello Substack Friends!
Well, if I’d made a New Year’s resolution to drink coffee and be stressed out every day, I’d be very successful so far this year. It just seems I can’t quit either of them.
Maybe you feel the same?
But I have noticed that on a couple of days, my racing heart may have been due a bit more to the amount of caffeine I ingested than the horrifying and dizzying news.
And that’s what inspired this piece.
Thanks for reading and supporting Humor in the Middle!
xo,
Jen
This is a new section of the newsletter where I share humor-related media I’ve recently read and watched, along with a few thoughts about them.
Season 3 of Shrinking
I’m not going to give away any spoilers, but I was so happy to see Michael J. Fox on the first episode!
My husband watches this series only to keep me company; he prefers The Pitt. His complaint is that “no one talks like that in real life.”
Do people in comedies ever talk like they do in real life? Is this a requirement for you?
It’s honestly not for me. When I watch a comedic movie or series, I’m looking for entertainment with a touch of heart. So this not only doesn’t bother me, it’s something I enjoy. I wish my friends and I were so witty with the comebacks and forgiving of the (immaculately timed) insults!
The League of Extraordinarily Funny Women: 50 Trailblazers of Comedy
by Sheila Moeschen
I have loved discovering new (to me) authors on Substack, and I’m so glad I finally read this book I bought last year. It reminded me of my love for so many female comedians and also introduced me to some new ones!
Of course, I had to read it with some coffee.
Check out Sheila’s Substack Humor Saves!
What have you watched or read lately that you found funny? I’d love to know!
✉️Were you forwarded this email? This is an issue of Humor in the Middle, a bi-monthly newsletter featuring original humor writing by Jennifer Haubrich, as well as links and recommendations to help you smile, laugh, and enjoy more moments of full out hilarity 😆 in the middle of life in this crazy, crazy world. 🤡 🌎
If you’d like to subscribe, click here. It’s free!
I promise not to fill your inbox with depressing news, because we both have enough of that already, and science proves that taking a break is not only okay, but GOOD FOR YOU.
Want permission to look for more reasons to laugh? Here you go.
Share this with a friend who could use more humor in their life!
Do you even know anyone who doesn’t??!
😆👏👏👏👏
how about both?