Relationship Advice From Us, a Celebrity Couple Who’ve Been Married an Entire Year
Plus a note from my cocoon and some humor recommendations!
As we celebrate our first anniversary and reflect on being married for 365 whole days (and nights!), many of our fans are probably asking, “How did you do it? What’s the secret to your amazing success?”
It would be selfish for us not to share what we’ve learned being married for this long!
And love is not selfish. Except for the times when you have to put yourself first. Like when it comes to what temperature your personal trainer says you need to set the cold plunge, pool, hot tub, and sauna to for optimal results. Newlyweds might think they understand these things, but being married for so long has taught us so much that we really know.
Many couples argue about money: what to spend, where to buy your next vacation house, how much to invest in your castmate’s tequila company. We’ve found that it helps to make so much money that you don’t need to “budget.” Seriously, try it! Also, file your taxes separately, so your spouse won’t worry that you deducted your mini facelift as a business expense –or even know that you had a facelift at all!
We never fight about money because we both have plenty in our separate bank accounts, investment properties, and points on the back end of our next three projects. We highly recommend all three, especially if you plan to be married for a long time, as we have.
And then there are household chores. It’s the 21st century, and we both strongly believe in an equal distribution of labor. But even better than that, not having to lift a finger. Why should we adults load the dishwasher, empty the garbage cans, or open our fan mail? The easy answer you may not have thought of is to get a housekeeper, a groundskeeper, and a social media manager/fan club coordinator. Then have your assistant tell them what to do.
Why haven’t you done this before, right?!
When you’ve been used to living alone with your entourage, it can sometimes be hard to adapt to living with your spouse. One of you has 700 personal care products on the bathroom counter. One of you only has 618. One of you wants to live in Manhattan, the other, in Manhattan Beach. What should you do?
Well, here’s what we’ve discovered: When it comes to where to live, you’ve got to compromise. This means getting a house in each of your preferred locations. It took us three weeks to figure this out!
Communication is obviously central to a strong relationship. So a big shoutout to our managers, agents, and publicists who handle that. So make sure you have a good team too. Don’t skimp and try to have your manager do it all.
Then, of course, there’s sex. We both like sex and believe it’s important to have it frequently even after you’re married. It’s just hard when you’re separated by filming schedules and different preferred residences. The solution is to always think of your spouse, even when you’re rehearsing love scenes with a beautiful cast member in an exotic location, because it’s the thought that counts.
Relatedly, having good therapists on retainer is also important. Marriage is very hard, and it’s okay to ask for help! Don’t be embarrassed if you need therapy, whether it’s alone, as a couple, or with the spouse of the cast member you acted like you were in love with in Hawaii for two months.
Being married for as long as we’ve been can get tedious. Boring, even.
The key is to create special experiences you can look forward to. Like going to the Oscars, the Golden Globes, and planning our recommitment ceremony, where we’ll celebrate that our union has been renewed for another season, hang out with other celebrities who will treat us like the normal married couple we are, and give the paparazzi a chance to photograph us together for the first time in seven months, so you can all see how in love we still are, after ALL THIS TIME!
Hiya Substack friends!
Well, it’s the middle of summer. The air is dirty. My girls are living their best lives on European adventures. I’m home cleaning the bunny’s cage, walking the dogs, and in a proverbial cocoon, deciding what I will emerge as when my youngest goes off to college in (checks calendar) 34 days.
Are there options other than a butterfly or a moth? I plan to find out. I have not had this much alone time to think in 20 years. It is strange, but also kind of nice! We’re off to the sports bar this afternoon to see if France will beat England. One more day and I will have survived another World Cup season with my football-obsessed husband.
And by football, I mean soccer, of course. But you know what? While I don’t know much about the sport, I’ve watched enough games to understand that the name football makes more sense! It is a game primarily played with feet (and occasionally with heads). American football should come up with a new name! (I’m so, so sure that will happen.)
The above piece was inspired by an interview I read of a celebrity couple dispensing marriage advice after, well, not a very long time by the standards of us mere mortals. (Read: You could count the years with three fingers.) They were quite serious, but as someone approaching their 23rd anniversary, I found it funny and had to play with the idea!
Thanks for reading!
Jen
I’d really love to know what your recommendations for humor are! Please tell me in the comments.
Is it terrible if I say Love Island was one of mine in July? I know it’s not a comedy, but my daughter and I watched it together and, I have to admit, it was very fun. Some of the “challenges” were rather gross to me, and I think the whole thing was psychologically abusive to many members of the cast, but it somehow still made me laugh.
My husband and I also recently started watching The Hawk on Netflix. I love Molly Shannon and Will Ferrell, so even though golf doesn’t interest me in the least, I was willing to give it a try. There’s cursing, which I do find funny.
And in case you missed it, I recently had this one published in Slackjaw. It came out of my current feelings of annoyance with, guess what, the non-stop pressure to eat more protein! (Please tell me it’s not just my algorithm.)
Clearly, You’re Not Even Trying to Eat Enough Protein
✉️Were you forwarded this email? This is an issue of Humor in the Middle, a bi-monthly consistently inconsistent newsletter featuring original humor writing by Jennifer Haubrich, as well as links and recommendations to help you smile, laugh, and enjoy more moments of full-out hilarity 😆 in the middle of life in this crazy, crazy world. 🤡 🌎
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Share this with a friend who could use more humor in their life!
Do you even know anyone who doesn’t??!
I recommended farce, wherever you can find it.
I laughed out loud numerous times!! Hilarious perspective of this celebrity! Thank you SO much!!