Schedule for Julie’s Bachelorette Weekend at the Monastery!
Trust us, this is what God wants.
FRIDAY
4 PM: Pre-Party
Hey ladies! Ditch work early, come walk the labyrinth, and learn about the contemplative life with Brother Ivan, then decipher 16th-century calligraphy with Brother Jacques. Both fascinating and beautiful things that Julie’s fiancé, Seth, would never do.
6 PM: Ice-Breaker
Woo-Hoo! Let’s get this thing going with a lively icebreaker activity led by Brother James called “Something You Know About Seth That Julie Doesn’t.” Prizes will be awarded to anyone who renders Julie speechless.
7 PM: Dinner
A delicious dinner will be served in the refectory, featuring food grown on the property! The brothers will join us at the table to show Julie that men can be great listeners who look at your eyes when you speak.
Also, it’s not just because they’ve chosen to devote their lives to serving God that they’d never ask for a threesome with her sister on their birthdays.
A NOTE ABOUT THE OPEN BAR
Unlimited tea, coffee, juice, and water are available 24 hours a day, all weekend, but nothing that might prevent Julie from finally acknowledging the God-given truth; Seth doesn’t have “networking dinners” that last until 2 am multiple nights a week.
It’s self-service, so just help yourself.
8 PM: Concert and Dancing
Get hyped, ladies, it’s time for the evening church service!! Quite serendipitously, the subject of the weekend’s sermon series is “What is the baseline of human decency anyone should accept in a partner?”
The service/concert will feature music chanted by the monks. As we all let the chanting inhabit our bodies and gently cause us to sway from side to side in a hypnotic dance, this will signal to Julie that God wants her to spend her life with someone who will happily take her dancing once in a while – and not criticize her lack of rhythm on the dance floor, like Seth did that one time at Carrie’s wedding.
9 PM: Party!
The real party begins – with 12 hours of complete and utter monastic silence. This will give Julie a chance to see what peace – and an absence of gaslighting – can feel like. It’ll also allow each of us time to think about what we’re willing to do to stop our sweet friend Julie from marrying a guy who hasn’t held an actual job since 2017.
10 PM: Games!
Just because we can’t talk doesn’t mean we can’t play! Gather for a silent puzzle competition in the Great Hall. We’ll break into teams and see how quickly we can each complete puzzles depicting Seth and a different woman in photos found on his Finsta account.
The pin-drop silence during this game will allow Julie to really focus on the content of each image, namely the lack of substantial clothing on each woman, and how they make her feel, without distractions.
At this point, there will be nothing we can say to comfort Julie. (No talking allowed!) However, we can all raise our eyebrows, shake our heads, squinch up our noses, and use our eyes to communicate what we want Julie to know, just in case she hasn’t gotten the message yet, which is, MARRYING SETH IS A TERRIBLE IDEA!!
There are a lot of puzzles featuring a lot of women, and this should keep us busy until at least 3 am. So you’ll want to make use of that unlimited coffee!!
If Julie tries to start asking us for advice, we will pivot into a game of silent charades where we each take turns acting out what we think of Seth. But no one can sleep until Julie decides to call off the wedding – demonstrated by taking off that fake ass engagement ring – or she falls asleep crying.
Let’s hope she puts the pieces together to see the truth!
SATURDAY
9 AM: Morning Concert/Dancing
To ensure that Julie has seen the truth and the way, we’re going to do it all again.
Also, because part two of the sermon series is gonna be a banger.
Can’t wait to see you there to save celebrate Julie!
Dress code: What you’d wear to an intervention.
Hello Substack Friends!
Do you think Julie got the message?
I didn’t have a bachelorette party, but there is actually a monastery I love to go to. I joke that it is my wild girls’ weekend destination, but what I really do there is read books in bed and eat snacks.
So, yes, it’s basically HEAVEN.
This piece began with the idea of a woman trying to sell her friends on a monastery as the destination for their girls’ weekend, but then it evolved into a bachelorette weekend, with a very undeserving fiancé.
What can I say? I needed an escape this week.
Thanks for reading and supporting Humor in the Middle!
xo,
Jen
Hello, Molly! by Molly Shannon
Have you ever loved a book so much that you didn’t want to start reading another one because you didn’t want to lose the feeling of the book you just finished?
That’s how I felt about Hello, Molly!
Of course, I knew who Molly Shannon was, and I loved her characters on SNL. I had learned at some point that she’d lost her mother when she was young, but I didn’t know what to expect from her memoir. Now this section is supposed to be about humor recommendations, and at times this book is literally laugh-out-loud funny, but it is also poignant and, in some parts, sad.
It is an absolute must-read for anyone wanting to pursue a career as a comedian or performer. If someone could bottle Molly’s absolute dedication and love of making people laugh, they could sell it for millions. However, even for creatives in other fields, seeing how Molly used her life experiences, and especially the people she knew, to create memorable characters that are not only funny but have heart, is so inspiring. It’s a great reminder that if you mine your life for material, you can create things that no one else could, but that lots of people will love.
I loved this book.
What have you watched or read lately that you found funny? I’d love to know!
✉️Were you forwarded this email? This is an issue of Humor in the Middle, a bi-monthly newsletter featuring original humor writing by Jennifer Haubrich, as well as links and recommendations to help you smile, laugh, and enjoy more moments of full-out hilarity 😆 in the middle of life in this crazy, crazy world. 🤡 🌎
If you’d like to subscribe, click here. It’s free!
I promise not to fill your inbox with depressing news, because we both have enough of that already, and science proves that taking a break is not only okay, but GOOD FOR YOU.
Want permission to look for more reasons to laugh? Here you go.
Share this with a friend who could use more humor in their life!
Do you even know anyone who doesn’t??!
They will soon be featured on "Can this marriage be saved" and the answer will be, no.
Five stars no notes
You had me at open bar