These Celebrities Chose *Shocking* Names for Their Twins

Personally, I’m disappointed.

After the news broke last week that their twins had been born, entertainment reporters and fans alike have been clamoring to find out what two of the world’s biggest movie stars named their new offspring.

Vegas gave 5 to 1 odds at least one baby would be named after a dog breed and 3 to 1 odds one would be named after a Greek god or well-known non-abrasive cleaning product. Poodle and Uranus seemed most likely.

Today, they revealed what they named them: Emma and James.

Based on these choices, some are asking, do these two even still want to be celebrities anymore?? The names aren’t original or different – in fact, most people have already heard of them, and can easily pronounce them!

What the heck?

They should have asked Gwenyth Paltrow or at least Kim Kardashian for the number of a good baby naming agency before making their choices. These women know how to name children after fruit, major American cities, and random words from the Bible.

Sadly, even these poor babies’ middle names seem likely to doom them to life in accounting or HR: Jane and Pierce.

Family names, allegedly. Not that it helps.

Growing up in luxury and privilege, with the offspring of other stars who choose much more exciting names for their kids, it seems likely these children will experience bullying or at least teasing for their boring-ass, pedestrian names. Why would Beautiful Zeppelin or Onyx Ice Cole Cannon send party invites to Emma Jane? It’s not the 19th Century!

Don’t these celebs know that having a strange name would make it easier for their offspring to one day get a modeling contract – or at least followed by TMZ?

Isn’t that what everyone wants for their kids??

Do they not want these kids to develop the mental toughness and a cultivated sense of uniqueness that can only be developed by repeatedly having to spell out their name and explain how to pronounce it on a daily basis?

Are they not thinking of these babies’ future??

What if they want to become a stripper or a professional wrestler? They’re going to have to change their names. What a pain!

How will their son ever know he is special if his middle name isn’t Special?

How will their daughter know she’s in style if her first name isn’t Trendy?

Why do these parents not realize that Super Trendy and Extra Special would be fantastic names?

How does anyone expect these poor kids to get attention other than for their presumably gorgeous looks or any accomplishments they may one day achieve on their own, if their first name isn’t Attention – or at least Atenshun?

Many are disappointed that these names are not unique. Unique would be a great name! But Uneek would be even better. Sooper Uneek, even better than that.

While many are outraged and disappointed, others suggest we shouldn’t be surprised.

After all, this famous couple didn’t even bother to make a public announcement saying they were expecting. They didn’t give month by month updates on food cravings or share photos of their babymoon. No one has even seen a single professional photo of the twins’ nursery in Architectural Digest.

They didn’t host a gender reveal party on Instagram live. Come on!

The least they could have done was at least livestream the birth.

All we can say is, good luck, Emma Jane and James Pierce. You little freaks.

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Hi Substack Friends!

Well, hello… How are you?

I really slacked with publishing in November, but I have a full slate of posts in the works for December!

As for today’s post, have you noticed the trend of how and what celebrities name their children?

Some examples: Rumble Honey, Slim Easy, and Whimsy Lou, Raddix, Psalm, North, Apple, Rocky77 (not a typo), Malibu Barbie, Aquaman Moses, Somersault Wonder, Poetry Lucia, and Locket Romance…

I am not making these up!

But the parents of these kids did.

And I can’t even find the keys on my keyboard to type the name of Elon Musk’s youngest child.

As a female named Jennifer, born in the 1970s, who grew up with at least half a dozen other Jennifers in my grade, I understand the desire not to give your kids a SUPER common name. But come on.

The idea for this piece came from reading an article about a non-celebrity couple who named their daughter after a famous amusement park: Disney. For some reason, this choice just made me think we have jumped the shark.

Do you have opinions on usual baby names? I’d love to hear them!

Thanks for reading Humor in the Middle!

Jen