Wanted: People with VERY Dry Skin
Your low moisture content could make you famous!
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Worldwide Talent Agency (WTA) and the same production team that created last year’s highly successful ‘Stop Biting Your Fingernails, There’s None Left’ campaign, is casting a new marketing campaign for Not Gross Anymore Moisturizer, the cutting-edge, super-wet, high-moisture moisturizer.
We are looking for 5-7 individuals showcasing a variety of looks (Think “United Colors” Benetton ads from the mid-80s) with one thing in common: skin that has the moisture content of a saltine cracker.
This INCLUSIVE call is open to those 18 and over of all genders, sexes, races, heights, weights, religions, musical tastes, and opinions about cilantro.
If people often find excuses to avoid shaking your hand, kissing your cheek, or touching you in any way at all, you may have just the kind of dry skin we’re looking for.
You’re a strong candidate if you answer ‘Yes’ to most of the following:
Do you always mean to moisturize your skin when you get out of the shower, but are in too much of a rush?
Do you tell yourself you’ll moisturize at bedtime, but under the weight of responsibilities and existential dread, do you then always just feel too damn tired to do it?
Are your forearms giving parchment paper vibes?
Do the front of your shins look like cracked clay at the bottom of a lake bed during a 7-year drought?
Do you have body parts resembling dried apricots, prunes, or raisins left under the seat of your car since 2019?
Is it impossible to tell the difference between the skin you shed tossing and turning at night and that of your son’s pet snake?
Does your partner rubbing your thigh sound like an Appalachian washboard solo – and leave them with 3rd degree rug burn?
Does itching your own skin result in scratches requiring 3 or more stitches due to your fingernails’ complete removal of your epidermis?
If so, we want to see! Send a full body photograph to disgustinglydryskin@wwtalent.com!
Those cast:
Must not have a problem with nudity
Must be comfortable with strangers at grocery stores asking to see their shins and elbows
Must be willing to at least try to light a campfire by striking a single match on their forearm.
MAY be asked to sand the finish off an antique table using nothing but your backside.
While under contract, you must agree not to visit any steam room, Turkish Hammam, Russian Banya, Korean Jimjilbang, tropical greenhouse, enclosed botanical garden, or location with more than 7% humidity. (Go all you want to one of those Himalayan salt rooms though!)
This exciting campaign will include both print and video campaigns, the highlight of which will be an animated billboard in Times Square during the week of Valentine’s Day, complete with dry skin “snow” falling below onto unsuspecting tourists. That’s sure to get a lot of attention!
While no financial compensation is available, at the conclusion of the campaign, you will receive a gallon of our incredible moisturizer and the knowledge that you have inspired thousands, or maybe even millions, to do anything they can to avoid having dry skin like yours. Namely, by buying our moisturizer.
Disclaimer: Not Gross Anymore Moisturizer is not medicated. It doesn’t cure any illness or disease. It only addresses skin that is offensively dry due to blatant and prolonged neglect and general disregard for basic human hygiene, coupled with repeated and extended exposure to natural and artificial heat sources and/or napping inside a gigantic kale chip dehydrator.
Serious inquiries only. While we are in search of flaky skin, we don’t tolerate flaky people.
Well, Hello Substack Friends!
It’s been a little while, but I’m back. What can I say? For a combination of personal (a concussion, too much snow & ice, and parenting stress outs involving wisdom teeth, lost glasses, and malaria medication) and political reasons (the horrors too many to list), I did not find January conducive to humor writing.
But since I refuse to give up, here I am again!
Also, I swear that writing humor helps keep me sane.
Since I have a dream to self-publish a book of short humor this year and write some other things, I’ve made the decision to modify my publication schedule to just once or twice a month, with occasional paid-only posts.
So, while I will not be showing up as frequently in your email, I will continue to make what I send as funny as I can!
Thanks for reading and supporting Humor in the Middle.
xo,
Jen
This is a new section of the newsletter where I share humor-related media I’ve recently read and watched, and a few thoughts about them.
My Next Guest Needs No Introduction with David Letterman and Adam Sandler.
This one came out in December, and what stood out to me in their conversation was how frank they were about their self-doubt and pre-performance jitters.
If you think these kinds of feelings go away with experience, they do not! This is a lesson that applies not just to doing stand-up, but also sending your writing out into the world or putting yourself out there in any way. So the next time you’re nervous, just remember, you’re in good company — and it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong!
Younger
I don’t watch much TV and I’m super slow to find this one, but thanks to Netflix’s recommendation and the recommendations of a few friends who said the lead character reminded them of me, I finally checked this out this month. Bingeing this was a great way to hide from reality.
Plus, I learned so much about the publishing industry watching this show. Things like:
when you get a book deal, your editor will want to have sex with you
after you get a book deal, they will throw you a big party, even when you haven’t finished writing the book!
when you finish writing your book, it will be published just a couple weeks (1-2 episodes) later
when your book launches there will be ANOTHER party
there is a lot of drinking at these parties
no one in publishing ever wears the same outfit twice and they all know how to do elaborate hairstyles
What have you watched or read lately that you found funny? I’d love to know!
✉️Were you forwarded this email? This is an issue of Humor in the Middle, a bi-monthly newsletter featuring original humor writing by Jennifer Haubrich, as well as links and recommendations to help you smile, laugh, and enjoy more moments of full out hilarity 😆 in the middle of life in this crazy, crazy world. 🤡 🌎
If you’d like to subscribe, click here. It’s free!
I promise not to fill your inbox with depressing news, because we both have enough of that already, and science proves that taking a break is not only okay, but GOOD FOR YOU.
Want permission to look for more reasons to laugh? Here you go.
Share this with a friend who could use more humor in their life!
Do you even know anyone who doesn’t??!
I’ve recently begun to use moisturizer on my hands.
Not because I wanted to, but because my wife told me my hands looked like the hands of an 80 year old.
Ah, true love.
My skin doesn't get too dry, but my wife would be a good candidate for this campaign.