What to Do When You Discover You’re an Invisible Middle Aged Woman at a Bar

Hint: The world is now truly your oyster

You stop by a bar on the way home from work. You’re in the mood to treat yourself to a nice glass of chardonnay. The minutes tick by, but the bartender refuses to make eye contact. You give a little wave. You try smiling in a way that communicates, “I can tell you’re really busy, just want you to know I’m here.”

Yet, nothing. It’s like he doesn’t even see you. You’d heard the rumor that women become invisible as they get older. You just could never imagine it happening to YOU. What do you do now?

What do you do now??

Try asking what you can’t do now.

For starters, climb up on a stool and reach over to grab that bottle of chardonnay and pour your own damn glass. To paraphrase Mary Oliver in a way I think we can all agree she’d be proud of, stop wasting your one wild and precious life waiting for a guy in a man bun to decide it’s your turn to purchase an overpriced beverage.

You’ve waited long enough. And now your waiting days are OVER.

If, after a few sips, you realize that you’re hungry, see what people are eating around you. Does anyone have a big plate of fries, perhaps? Help yourself.

The only thing better than fries is free fries. Heck, grab a sandwich to go with them if you want. Then just for fun, whisper, “Bon Appétit” in the original sandwich owner’s ear, because it’s yours now.

This is the freedom you’ve been longing for.

Is there some ass-hat telling racist jokes at the end of the bar? When he’s distracted by whatever’s on the TV, knock his 16 oz beer in his lap. If he’s rude to the bartender, knock his phone on the floor and step on it. Feel a bit like a super hero? You should. This is living.

Let out that big burp. No need to stifle it and get gas pains in your stomach from trying to be “polite.” Laugh as loud as you want. Stare at people. Talk to yourself. Dance like no one is watching – They aren’t, honey!

Do you need to use the bathroom after knocking back a few glasses? Don’t bother waiting in line for the ladies’ room. Just cruise right into the men’s room and take a stall. See where the other half does their business, without the wait!

When you’ve had enough fun, no need to pay your tab or say goodbye. You can just go, without spending a cent.

If you’ve wondered why middle-aged women all stop caring what people think about them, now you know. Because people can’t judge what they don’t see. But you know who can see you? Other middle-aged women. So next time, bring a friend, and you’ll have even more fun.

Just don’t try to figure out how a woman could go from being catcalled to being invisible, with no in-between. You don’t want to waste your one wild and precious life trying to figure that out.

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Hi Substack Friends!

In case it wasn’t clear in this piece, I think there are advantages to becoming invisible.

Or at least, there should be.

As a younger Gen X woman, talk of becoming invisible has entered some of my social circles. And while, like many young people, I once had fantasies of becoming famous, now I revel in my anonymity.

Think about it: Doing whatever you want and no one paying attention?! It’s pretty awesome! Why doesn’t everyone want that?

And becoming invisible… well, I think that could be even better.

Ironically, the day I wrote the first draft of this piece, I was catcalled from a vehicle while walking on a sidewalk.

Was I supposed to be offended? Flattered? Did he think there was a chance I’d chase down the car to give him my number? Sorry, I’m married and will only run if someone or something is chasing me.

So what I did was laugh. And I took it as confirmation that I might be really onto something with this piece.

What would you do if you discovered you were invisible at a bar? I’d love to hear it.

Thanks for reading Humor in the Middle!

Jen