A “Cool” Mom Tells Her Teens There’s No Family Vacation This Summer

She speaks Gen Z, no cap!

Jul 05, 2025

Hey bruhs, what’s that banger you’re listening to? Yeah, that song slaps!

Can you turn it down just a sec? I have some tea I don’t want to gatekeep.

Now don’t come at me, but I have some bad news: It turns out we can’t go on that summer vacation we’ve all been looking forward to so much.

I’m sorry. I know this news is lame af.

The faces you’re making right now are giving “this sucks, you must be kidding” energy.

I can tell you were planning to blow up your Insta with bussin’ vacation selfies and are worried about what your followers will think now. Your feelings are valid as hell. But don’t let those NPCs and Opps live rent-free in your mind all summer!

Why did Dad just buy a new Tesla if we didn’t have money to go on vacation, you say?

I have no clap back. You ate with that comment, Jake. I’m not a Karen who’s going to deny that. He might have been zooted. So I’m not happy with him either.

I’m not saying he’s giving me the ick and has no rizz, I just wish he had quit that online gambling site when he told me he had. And before he lost our entire life savings.

TBH right now we’re on the struggle bus.

Dad’s not perfect, and neither am I. But don’t go thinking I’m some basic bitch. I wish we could take you and your besties on a boujee vacay. Trust.

Now I’m not trying to be all extra about it, but I still think you can have a good summer. I promise it won’t be boring because you’re going to be busy as hell — it might even slay, you guys!

Right now you probably think I’m delulu. That’s fine, but not to flex, I’m pretty much an expert at staying home all summer. That’s how we did it in the 90s.

It’s all how you think of it. And I think you should think of this summer as your Homesteading Era!

Why homesteading? Good question.

Well, we’re going to need you two to start a lawncare and landscaping business to pay the mortgage and I’ve already gotten you 50 customers. I won’t be having to tell you to get off your phones and touch grass anymore. Because you will literally be doing it every day.

Just think how tan and strong you both will get. You’re gonna have a total glow-up!

Since we really need to cut back on expenses, I’m also going to need you guys to plant and tend to a garden to grow enough food to feed us. And lay off the A/C, big time.

Your body will acclimate to the heat and trust me when I say that eating vegetables you grow yourself hits different.

I see you rolling your eyes, but come on, learning to live off the land? That’s giving major main character energy!!

Also, Emma, you can work as many hours as you possibly can at Dairy Queen. You will love that red and white uniform, that fit is SO ICONIC!

Just don’t spend your summer simping for Ryan next door now that he’s home from college again. That kid is sus and that situationship you had last summer was out of pocket. You need to ghost him, big time.

Jake, I got you another job at the community college’s football camp too. You can get paid to teach 10-year-olds how to yeet a football!

I have a feeling you two are going to slay this summer. You’ll probably make enough to even buy a back-to-school fit so you can show up in September looking all snatched! You go, queens!

I think you guys will be gagged about how great this summer will be. I’m not gaslighting you.

Anyway, I don’t mean to be yappin’. We gucci?