Choosing the Right Nickname for Your Middle-aged Weight Gain

A how-to guide

Please share if you think we all should give special names to our belly buttons’ homeland! (You don’t have to be middle-aged to do it.)

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Did you recently hit mid-life and feel like you’ve somehow acquired a new body part? It can feel very disconcerting!

It didn’t used to be there.

But now it most definitely is.

Since it doesn’t look like “it” is going anywhere anytime soon, you need something to call it, other than “this.” There are many choices, and you don’t want to choose the wrong one.

Use this handy guide to help you choose just the right one:

You’re not afraid of anything: Guts

You always wished you had a cool nickname: Tank

You aspire to have your very own stool at a bar: Beerbelly

You love drinking beer, but only while fishing: Gutbucket

You’ve been known to get in fights at bars: Beer Muscles

You loved being pregnant, except for the no-drinking part: Beer Baby

You’re no keener, but once visited Canada and loved it: Molson Muscles

You miss your college days, like A LOT: Keg

You prefer to drink punch while watching reruns of “CHiPs”: Paunch

You think baby pigs are adorable and have considered stealing one by hiding it under your shirt: Potbelly

Your favorite restaurant chain is The Olive Garden: Breadbasket

You briefly considered medical school and think you would have aced it: Abdominal Region

You failed out of medical school: Epigastrium

You almost became an architect: Bay Window

You’re killing it at your 9–5 (even if it’s killing you): Corporation

You keep antacids in your car: Tum

You consider yourself handy because you do your own oil changes: Spare Tire

You’re not quite ready to write off the possibility of wearing a crop top: Midriff

You own more than one yoga mat: Solar Plexus

You’re quite fond of speaking in euphemisms: Waist

You like bakeries and dancing in equal measure: Belly roll

You think the word flab is hilarious even when you’re miserable: Flab Roll

Everyone knows you throw great summer parties: Front Porch

You like it when words have a faint Italian essence: Bello

You prefer the German term because “grief bacon” sounds too sad: Kummerspeck

You’re a romantic but in a stable LTR with a partner who you’ve trained to have low expectations: Love Handles

You want to be cute, but you’re also deeply disappointed: Tummy Bulge

You don’t like to beat around the bush and have always believed it’s better to call a spade a spade: Middle-age Spread

You’re in denial and plan to stay there: What do you need a new name for? It’s just your stomach!

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Hello Humor-Seeking Friends,

You don’t have to be middle-aged to name your midsection, but I read so much about “meno belly” I had to think there was a better name!

Last year, I gave my black string bikini to one of my teenage daughters. I felt like it was time. But now I’m thinking, maybe if I just embrace my body as it is, I can get a new one?

And doesn’t this begin with a good name for my midsection?

Share which name you chose in the comments, and see mine!

Thanks so much for reading Humor in the Middle. Silly and escapist humor helps me handle the harsh realities of our world by giving me strength and reminding me how much fun we can all have together, if we try. I hope it does for you, too.

Jen