Divorce Announcement from a Famous Couple Too Good-Looking to Be Unhappy

Our journey has come to the end of one road but to the beginning of two new and better ones!

It is with sadness, a hint of excitement, and a smidgen of self-righteous pride that we announce our amicable decision to divorce.

We know that you might’ve just seen us two weeks ago engaging in some pretty major PDA at that awards show. So this may come as a shock.

Please know that we don’t make this decision lightly. We’ve searched the depths of our hearts, DMs, and star charts. Together we’ve realized this is the best choice for the evolution of who we each wish to become.

And, for now, that’s single.

Ours is one of the great love stories of the 21st century. Or any century. It is a once-in-a-millennium kind of love.

But that doesn’t mean it’s meant to last forever, or even half a decade. We’ve learned that you don’t measure love by how long it lasts. Especially if it isn’t ending, only evolving like ours is now!

In those early days when we were hounded by paparazzi we gave our locations to, a lot of people said our relationship wasn’t real.

We proved them wrong, didn’t we? We got engaged on Instagram Live. We had a beautiful destination wedding, sponsored by British Airways, Michael Kors, and TCBY in the Azores. We sold our wedding footage to the Oxygen Network for a 2-hour special entitled, Wedding of the Millenium: Azores Edition.

During our time together, and especially these last five months as a family of four with our son, Asteroid, and daughter, Sauna, we created memories that we’ll never, ever, ever, ever forget.

They’ve been among the best days of our lives. So far. Not including when our wedding was featured on the front cover of People Magazine and we were each voted Sexiest Person Alive.

It’s hard to top that.

Yet now, after 15 eventful, oh-so-fulfilling, and fully documented on social media months of marriage, we realize we need something different. Not every divorce is a failure. We consider ours a success because we’re strong enough to state what we both want.

And that’s to sleep with other people.

We aren’t saying we won’t sleep with one another ever again. We may, particularly if we don’t have anything else going on at 2 pm Sunday when we exchange custody of the kids.

Especially if we can share a bottle of Moet & Chandon champagne in a hot tub first. Moet & Chandon is our drink, forever. And not just because they gave us a lifetime supply in exchange for serving it at the intimate engagement party we hosted for our 5,000 closest friends on Facebook Live.

Since the very beginning, we’ve believed strongly that marriage is what you make it. In our wedding vows, we made this promise to one another:

I will get your approval on all Instagram photos, tell you when you have spinach in your teeth, and never binge anything other than Netflix.

And we intend to keep these promises forever!

We also remain committed to being the best co-parents we can. Our nannies will be traveling back and forth between our homes with Asteroid and Sauna. Though our children are not yet a year old, we promised them to gather as a family for the major holidays of the year. This will include photoshoots on Christmas, Halloween, and the official start of the bikini season, the 4th of July.

We deeply love one another and will for the rest of our lives. If one of us needed a kidney and the other was a match, we’d each be willing to give one of ours. And if we both needed one, we would be only too happy to share a kidney, with custody changing over every Sunday at 2 pm.

That’s how incredible our love is.

Two cords twisted together are stronger. But two cords separated can reach farther, in different directions. It’s this idea that excites us.

If there’s one word that describes us, it’s grateful. We want to thank our day and night nannies, our surrogates, our families, lawyers, masseuses, groundskeeper, housekeeper, whole foods chef, driver, tarot card reader, and of course our fans for their loving support over the past 3 years since we met at Burning Man.

We ask that you please respect our privacy at this sad, but ultimately awesome and exciting time.

For more info, follow us on our new joint Instagram account @divorcedbutcommitted.

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Hello Substack friends,

Once, I read a divorce announcement from a celebrity, and it was so utterly upbeat it made me almost feel bad for still being married. As Gen Z would say, it was OD.

I wrote this piece in response.

It’s easy to get sad and angry in this world, but I believe humor isn’t a frivolity. It’s a necessity. I’ll be exploring this in Wednesday’s paid version of Humor in the Middle. I hope you join me. And by hope, I mean I’d like you to subscribe so you can read it and feel your need for an occasional humorous escape completely validated.

You need more humor in your life when things are tough. (I know I do.)

Jen

P.S. If you’re reading this with coffee and missed this Wednesday’s free post, check out I’m Going to Be So Productive After This Coffee!!