If Parents’ Bumper Stickers Were Honest

It would be refreshing to see these in the car pick-up line

Jennifer Haubrich

May 17, 2025

Psst… Some of the bumper stickers featured in this post are available for sale in my new Redbubble store. More info at the end of this post!

Okay, we get it. You’re proud of your honor roll student. You love your school. Your kids are swimmers. That’s all well and nice.

But how about a little more honesty on your back bumper?

The image features a humorous bumper sticker design meant for a vehicle. It has a yellow background with black diagonal stripes on each end, mimicking caution tape. There are two diamond-shaped road signs with the word “SLOW” on either side of the text, which reads “TIRED PARENT JUST PASS ME I DON’T CARE” in bold, capital letters.

This mom’s oldest is in preschool 3 mornings a week for 2 hours, but it takes over an hour a day to get them in the car, drop them off, and pick them up. This leaves mom with 1 hour of “free” time during which her younger child needs to be fed, burped, and changed before it’s time to hop back in the minivan.

She loves her kids, but she’s so darn sleep-deprived that she has to drive with the window open two inches even in the dead of winter, just to stay awake.

The image displays a humorous message that reads “CAILLOU IS ANNOYING HONK IF YOU AGREE!” in large red capital letters against a light background. Over the image is a large black ‘X’ mark, covering the face of an illustrated character that appears to be a boy with a yellow cap and a red shirt.

The dad with this bumper sticker appreciates that children’s programming exists to engage and entertain young minds (and give parents 25 minutes of peace to make dinner each night). But do these shows have to contain whiny little kids? Don’t parents hear enough whining in real life each day?

In ranking the level of annoyance caused by young children’s television characters, Bluey is tolerable and sometimes even lovable, and Caillou needs to be blocked, banned, and unfindable On Demand, at the public library, and on YouTube for the sake of parents’ nerves and sanity everywhere!

The image is a playful and whimsical graphic that reads “1.800.PATIENCE PLEASE CALL IF YOU FIND MINE” in dark letters against a pink background decorated with lighter pink hearts. On each side of the text, there’s a cartoon heart with legs, arms, and a worried expression on its face. The heart characters seem to be anxiously searching for something, which, together with the text, suggests a humorous plea for help in finding lost patience.

No one told this parent they might end up with a kid who will only go in a car seat if they can do the buckle themselves. And that this might take 15 minutes or more, twice a day. At first, this was cute. Then annoying. Now their patience has been unequivocally been used up.

They’ve tried it all: deep breathing, counting backward from 100, mentally reviewing their gratitude list. Their patience is gone. But they desperately need it back. Can you help?

The image features a bumper sticker with the phrase “PROUD PARENT OF A CHILD THAT LEARNED HOW TO WIPE” in bold, capitalized yellow and white letters on a black background. To the right, there’s a graphic of a smiling toilet paper roll with a happy face, implying a humorous achievement of a child reaching a milestone in personal hygiene.

An Elmo training potty: $65

A potty training book: $12

No longer having to wipe their butt: Priceless

Small victories should be celebrated, dammit!

The image is a playful sticker design with the text “MOM’S TAXI” in large white letters. Below it, the phrase “Always going somewhere… TIPS APPRECIATED. THX!!” is written in smaller white font. Adjacent to the text, there’s a cartoon illustration of a yellow taxi cab. The sticker humorously acknowledges the role of moms in constantly driving their children to various activities, equating the service to that of a taxi, and jokingly suggests that tips are welcome for the service.

Some parents get through this stage with humor, and for this parent, the old “taxi driver” joke never gets old! At least once a week, she tells someone she’s considering buying a chauffeur’s hat or painting her car yellow.

Alternatively, she jokingly refers to her “unpaid Uber hours,” and the other moms nod their heads with a smile while secretly calculating how much they could earn each day if they could find a way to get paid for their driving, too.

The image features a humorous message on a bumper sticker or sign that reads “Coffee is my best friend. My 2nd best friend is Kailyn’s mom, whose first name I still don’t know.” This is set on a background that resembles a coffee-colored camouflage pattern. On the left side of the text, there is a cartoon character of a coffee cup with a face, arms, and legs, suggesting that coffee has a personified importance in the speaker’s life.

Everyone told this mom the driving would decrease when her kids got to elementary school, and while her oldest is now in Kindergarten, the “school day” is only 15 minutes longer than it was in preschool and there is no bus to ride home.

But, good news! She made a friend and even got her number… saved under the name “Kailyn’s mom.” They introduced themselves 15 conversations ago. Now it feels like it’s too late to ask what it is again.

The image displays a tongue-in-cheek bumper sticker or sign design. In large, bold orange letters on a gray background, it reads “BIOCHEMICAL ENGINEER.” Below, on a yellow strip, there’s a humorous twist that says, “BUT I STILL GOT A B+ ON MY SON’S SCIENCE FAIR PROJECT!” with a sad face emoji on a yellow circle to the right. This design plays on the idea of a highly qualified professional humorously not meeting expectations in a child’s science project.

This dad isn’t even going to try to hide it. It hurts. He really gave it his all.

The image features a light blue background with bold, black text that reads “FOLLOW ME TO ALL THE ACTIVITIES I WISH I COULD HAVE DONE.” Interspersed with the words are black silhouettes of people engaged in various activities: ballet dancing, playing soccer, golfing, painting on an easel, singing into a microphone, playing basketball, and ice skating. The design humorously suggests that the vehicle ahead might lead one to a wide range of activities the driver aspired to do.

There’s a certain pressure to expose your kids to a wide range of experiences. It’s time-consuming. And expensive.

But for this dad, the real problem is that he’s a little bit jealous. The only after-school activity he did as a child was a bi-weekly Cub Scouts meeting in a local church basement. He had to sit on the cold cement floor because there weren’t even any chairs.

The image features a light pink background with sparkles and the phrase “GIRL MOM” in large, bold, pink letters with a subtle shadow effect. Below it, in smaller letters, the text reads “PLEASE STOP TELLING THEM TO SAVE THE DRAMA FOR ME”. The sticker seems to playfully address the stereotype of ‘drama’ associated with girls, and the phrase humorously asks others not to encourage the saving of said drama for the mother.

“Save the Drama for Your Momma!” Sure, this saying used to be funny.

Now, for this mom, it isn’t.

For obvious reasons.

The image has a light pink background and features illustrations of four women, each representing different professions or roles. Above the illustrations, in large, bold lettering, the text reads “I used to have dreams…”. Below the illustrations, the text continues with “Now I just drive places & wait in my car.”

Is this bumper sticker bitterly honest or ironically funny?

We’ll never know. Maybe it depends on the day. Or the current state of this mom’s self-esteem.

The image is a bumper sticket with a bright purple background and yellow text. It states “Our kids play for Infinity Soccer Club” in bold letters, suggesting a sense of pride in the children’s participation in a local soccer team. Below the main text, in parentheses and a smaller font, the humorous addition reads “(And this is why we’ll be working until age 82),” implying that supporting their children’s sports activities might be expensive, leading to an extended period of work life.

When did society decide that playing a sport in your town wasn’t good enough??? Why is soccer in Virginia, New Jersey, or Maryland better than in your county in Pennsylvania?

This dad believes that a little gallows humor can help him survive his kids’ journey through middle school (and what is sure to be his extended time as an active member of the American workforce).

The image features a humorous and heartwarming message that reads “I ♥ my RESCUE DOG HE’S THE ONLY FAMILY MEMBER WHO DOESN’T THINK I’M ANNOYING.” The text is a mix of red and black, with the word “RESCUE DOG” notably larger than the rest. On the right side, there’s an illustration of a happy, brown and black rescue dog wearing a red bandana with white accents. The dog is surrounded by small red hearts, emphasizing the loving message. Paw prints and hearts are faintly visible in the background.

Lots of people love their rescue dogs. But none more than a mom whose kids have all reached their teen years.

Fido has never once told her she’s embarrassing, either.

You don’t want to keep the humor to yourself, do you?

Share Humor in the Middle

Hello Substack Friends,

Parents should forget the humblebrags! No one needs or wants to know that your kid is on the honor roll when you cut them off in traffic. (Is it just me, or would this make that behavior even more annoying??)

But other drivers might appreciate it if you made them laugh with your brutal honesty.

And guess what? For fun, many of these stickers are now available for sale, in a variety of sizes and finishes.

Visit the Humor in the Middle store on RedBubble to check them out!

Thanks so much for reading Humor in the Middle!

Jen

Shelly Mazzanoble

May 17

Oh my god, “Kaylin’s mom” is hysterical! I have so many names in my phone who are just someone’s mom and dad and I’m too embarrassed to ask their name now! I used to be able to ask the teachers but middle school has been that too difficult. They don’t know either!

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Josephine Courant

Oh my god just seeing Cailou’s name triggered me. I now have teenage sons so it has been a while since I watched that show BUT the way that show portrayed his Mum all grumpy and saggy, and clearly not wearing a bra was inexcusable! She had clearly given up and I don’t blame her, having a whining brat of a son but still we are here trying to keep it all together and put a bra on in the mornings! Sorry…I was triggered. Loved the post. Thanks!

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