Simple DIY Projects With Your Ex’s Stuff

For those who are crafty, creative, and a teensy bit rage-filled

What do you do with the things your ex left behind? You could throw them away or sell them. Legit options, but kinda boring, no?

Girl, you are so much better than that!

So today I’m humbly sharing some ideas I have for what to do with stuff your ex left behind. These projects are where therapy, fun, and recycling meet to help you move on from that loser!

Clothing from “his drawer” Scarecrow-Bird Feeder

Okay, so this may seem like a no-brainer (pun intended!), but a great little project to use clothing your ex left behind is to get some straw and stuff the shit out of them to make a scarecrow.

You don’t have a field of corn that you want to scare the bird away from?

No problem.

This isn’t that kind of scarecrow. Because what you’re using to it to attract birds.

For your scarecrow’s head, fill a tied t-shirt with birdseed and draw Bradley non-Cooper’s face on it. Don’t forget to cut holes for the eyes and nose. Stick a carrot in for a nose, a la Frosty.

Place it outside on your porch, fire escape, whatever, and just sit back and wait for the birds to come by and peck at his eyes, bite off his nose, and eat his birdseed brain.

Hours of entertainment await you! Plus you’ll low-key be helping nature.

Pool Cue Fireplace poker

Those birthday and holiday cards you lovingly saved will make great fire starters.

But also, did he by chance leave his prized pool cue behind? You know, the one he brought to bars in it’s own freaking carrying case? (Please tell me I’m not the only one!)

That thing will make a great fire poker.

The more you use it the shorter it will get, until you can just toss the whole thing in there and watch it burn to a crisp.

You’re an ecological Queen!

Prized Collection Floating Shelves

Feeling extra handy and have a hollow door on hand? Cut that door in half length-wise. Attach 2x4s to the wall at the height you’d like a shelf and then slide the half door onto them. Repeat.

Waa-la! Gorgeous floating shelves. But here’s the best part — put your ex’s baseball card collection, video games, or any special small items in the hollowed door before hanging.

If he ever comes by for his stuff, he can look and look and never, ever in a million years find them.

It will be your little secret.

You’re welcome.

Golf Club Wind Chimes

Did he leave his beloved golf clubs behind or did you get them as part of the divorce agreement?

Boom, now you’ve got some epic wind chimes! Hang his irons from a tree and wait for the wind to gently blow to enjoy the beautiful sound of not waiting all day for him to come home and spend time with you.

(BTW, the woods make great tomato stakes and the putter can be used as a fireplace poker once the pool cue wears down to a nub. No club left behind here!)

Golf Bag Cat Present(s)

Now, you may be wondering, but what do I do with the golf bag?

Well, grab yourself a chainsaw, and I’ll tell you.

With the golf bag standing up, simply cut it right down the middle. Lay down the two sides and fill them with kitty litter.

He never gave Muffins and Stuffins the love they deserve. So now they can poop in his Callaway!

Is there a better example of karma? I think not.

Give the second litter box to your best friend for her cats, because let’s be honest, she was right about your ex all along.

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You don’t want to keep the humor to yourself, do you?

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Hello Substack Friends,

Happy Saturday! This post doesn’t mean I’m getting a divorce.

My husband doesn’t even play golf.

Like Divorce Announcement from a Famous Couple Too Good-Looking to Be Unhappy, this one was inspired by some celebrity news I read at the dentist’s office.

Why do dentists love People Magazine so much? It must be because celebrities all have such white, straight teeth. They’re hoping these magazines sell more whitening systems and caps.

Or maybe they buy it for their teeth viewing pleasure and leave old copies in the waiting room so they can deduct the cost of their subscription as a marketing expense.

Either way, I’m glad they do, because sometimes they’re a good source for humor writing ideas.

If you liked this post, I’d appreciate it if you’d give it a heart.

Thanks so much for reading Humor in the Middle!!

Jen