Why My Polyamorous Relationship Ended Had Nothing to Do With Sex

The truth is much dirtier.

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You monogamists are so wrong. You think the human tendency to be jealous of anyone getting down and dirty with “your” partner means that polyamorous — ethical non-monogamous — relationships are always destined to fail.

But, with superior communication skills, unreasonably high levels of confidence, and a genius for compartmentalization, a relationship where you each have sex with multiple partners can TOTALLY work.

Excellent time management skills are helpful too. Finding, scheduling, and having sex with all these other people does not happen by itself!

Not every ENM relationship lasts forever, of course. But that doesn’t mean they all end due to jealousy or one of you falling in love with someone else you’re having sex with. When my nearly 7-month relationship with my ex-boyfriend, Frank, ended it had nothing to do with either of those things.

First, Frank showed up 25 minutes late to my birthday dinner at The BratHaus. He brought two women he’d met on Hinge.

It was so embarrassing.

Not because he couldn’t give me his full attention even on my birthday. What upset me was that he didn’t call the restaurant ahead of time and change the reservation from two people to four! So rude! That poor waitress had to drag over another heavy wine barrel table to accommodate us.

Sex with multiple partners is nice but, proper restaurant etiquette is very important to me.

Second, Frank’s other girlfriend, Susie, would often sleep over on Thursdays to do role-play, which I had no problem with. (I was usually at Nathan’s house anyway with Gary. )

What upset me was that he put Susie’s Little Red Riding Hood costume in the washing machine with my delicates even after I told him how crucial it was to always separate whites and darks!

I couldn’t decide if I was more upset by the laundry carelessness or that I now had a whole load of pink clothes. But it got my goat. (Not a euphemism.)

On the third Saturday of every month, Frank’s friend Stanley would sleep over. The next morning Frank would make Stanley an elaborate breakfast in bed.

Was I upset that Frank never brought me breakfast in bed? No, my ego can handle that, no problem! I DIDN’T CARE.

What I did care about was that he left a million dirty pots and pans all over the kitchen until at least 3 pm when they would finally emerge from the guest room. Sweaty. And Frank would hand wash them all in the sink.

This, I can not tolerate!

Dishwashers are 10x more water efficient than hand washing. I need a partner who cares about water conservation.

Not long after that, I invited a guy I’d recently met at hot yoga, Jean-Claude, to come over for a barbecue.

When I finally found the barbecue sauce hiding in the fridge, I discovered Frank giving Jean-Claude a shoulder massage. This was unexpected — I didn’t think Jean-Claude was one of Frank’s many, many types. But it didn’t bother me.

What upset me was when I went to shake the bottle before pouring it on the ribs, BBQ sauce flew out of the bottle and splattered all over me — and they laughed!

Granted, it must have looked funny. And I can forgive Jean-Claude for this since it was so shocking, but not Frank.

That’s because I have repeatedly told Frank NOT to only place lids on top of condiment bottles and jars without screwing them on tight! So annoying.

This was not the first time Frank saw me get a sauce bath, so he should not have been laughing.

But what finally made me decide to dump Frank and insist he move out was when I came home from working a double shift and discovered him in my bed with his ex-wife Evelyn.

Again, I was not jealous, I was mad because I had just put clean sheets on the bed that morning and Frank knows how much I always enjoy the first night in a bed with clean sheets. And he and Evelyn stole this from me!

They could have used the guest room or even the sex room in the basement, that is literally for sex! Why on my fresh clean sheets?

I realized that I can’t be in a relationship with a man who disregards my pleasures and preferences like that, no matter how good our sex is on Monday nights and every other Wednesday morning.

So, you see? It wasn’t jealousy.

Go ahead, have sex with my new boyfriend, Greg, and his secondary, Cherie, right now if you want!

I want a partner who believes in the joy and freedom of the ENM lifestyle, but I need one who knows how to load a dishwasher, respects my love of clean sheets, understands proper restaurant etiquette, knows how to do laundry, and is always willing to give 100% in screwing the lids on sauces and condiments!

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Hello Substack friends,

Sometimes, I write humor posts inspired by my personal life.

This week’s post is not one of those times. I’ve been married to the same man for 21 years. A relationship with one person is all I can handle!

However, there is always a kernel of truth in my writing, so I must confess that lids put on top of condiments but not screwed on is a genuine pet peeve of mine. I won’t say who sometimes does this, but he lives in my house.

I hope you find some reasons to laugh today — or create them yourself!

Jen