The No Longer So Humble Potato Demands Respect

Let’s see a carrot do all this, bruh!

First of all, we’re not all named “Spud” or “Murphy.” And I know it’s hard to believe but we aren’t all Irish, or from freaking Idaho!

But I can speak for all potatoes when I say we’ve had enough of being disrespected, taken for granted, and insulted!

We know calling someone a couch potato isn’t a good thing.

Potato face certainly ain’t no compliment.

And now, apparently, 'potato-quality' is a derogatory term describing shoddily produced videos? Are you kidding me??

We potatoes are hard working! We’ll do literally anything for your gastronomic pleasure.

Throw us into a 450-degree oven for an hour — Do we get mad? No, we get deliciously crispy on the outside and damn fluffy on the inside.

Fluffy, I said.

What other veggie can withstand that kind of heat for that long? Broccoli? Zucchini? Nah. What about carrots? We know how you people just loooove baby carrots.

Do you know what would happen if you did this to a carrot?

You’d end up with sticks of charcoal, that’s what. Bon appétit!

But what if, after an hour in the oven, you want to cut us in half, scoop out our insides, mix in some cheese, and put us back in that fiery oven for another 30 minutes?

I’ll tell you what will happen, we’ll taste lip-smackingly delicious, that’s what!

I dare you to try this with any other damn vegetable.

What about deep-sixing us in a vat of piping-hot oil?

I’m talking like a cauldron.

Will that ruin us? Will we come out all limp and disgusting? Heck no!

Then do you need to dip us in some kind of fancy sauce to make us palatable?

Please. Come on. Just give us some salt and get the heck out of here!

Ketchup is for amateurs.

What if you cook us, mash us up, and then say, “Gee whiz, I wish I had some potato chips”? Is it too late?

Umm… of course not.

But surely attempting to make mashed potatoes into potato chips would be complete and utter folly?

Not at all!

They’re called freaking Pringles. Heard of them?!?

We aren’t like asparagus, we don’t have such a large ego to feed. We’re not out there telling people our pee doesn’t smell. But our work ethic and unparalleled versatility have been cruelly and unfairly overlooked. We are the very definition of team players.

And team players aren’t lazy! They’re not reclining on a sectional.

I’ve literally never seen a single potato on a couch. Ever.

We’re versatile and freaking international! Any cuisine you can think of, we’re there for it. Mexican? Check. Ethiopian? Yep. Lebanese? You better believe it!!

I know you think baby carrots are sooo cute.

Well, first of all, a $8.99 mesh bag of new potatoes is pretty damn adorable, but have you seen a freaking tater tot?

It does not get cuter than that!

Ever go to a party and have a baby carrot dipped into some ranch dressing? You crunch it up and, yeah, it’s pretty good. But then you notice some chips and salsa and move on, right?

Tell me one person you know, or you’ve ever met in your entire life, who has ever eaten just one tater tot. It’s not humanly possible!

Tater tot means “baby potato”, by the way, and it’s a much cuter name than “baby carrots” — which we all know are just big old wonky-looking carrots that have been cut up into knuckle-y fingers.

At least we’re honest about it! We never claimed tater tots just happen.

But here’s the thing, you can grate us up into bits and then stick us back together and we’re fine! We are down for it. We are like, BRING IT ON!

Think you can try that with your beloved kale?

Kale tots are not a thing for a reason.

Doesn’t this kind of behavior demand respect and even admiration?

Think about it. No one has ever said, “This dish is good, but it would be better without the potatoes.”

That shit never happens. You just take for granted that we’re always around.

And we’re sick of it.

We don’t really care if you call us “po-tay-toe” or “po-tah-toe”, we just want some damn respect.

And don’t you forget it!

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You don’t want to keep the humor to yourself, do you?

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Hello Substack Friends,

So… I like potatoes. In case you hadn’t guessed.

And it’s potato salad season! So I’m ready to celebrate it in the way that potatoes deserve, by eating large bowls of it and calling it “lunch.”

There is so much anger and division in the world today, but I’m thinking potatoes might just be the root vegetable to unite us as one!!

Let me know what you think.

Thanks so much for reading Humor in the Middle!

Jen