How to Stay Hot as Woman Over 27

The strategy you need if you're gonna stand a chance

Ladies, how lucky are we to live in a time where we can live a long and productive life? Also, one in which looking like we’ve lived a long time is not just optional, but strongly discouraged and frequently frowned upon?!

Maintaining a hot, youthful appearance means keeping up with the latest beauty standards. Men get bored with the same type of beautiful women. We’ve got to mix it up to keep things interesting!

So here’s what we’re going for these days: Think of a cross between a Bratz doll and Malibu Barbie after a visit to a clinic in Brazil, but with nipples.

If you’re confused by the current aesthetic preference for big butts, because you’ve lived your entire life trying to get yours to appear smaller, know that there were only so many times even white guys could hear Sir Mix-a-Lot before they decided he was “really onto something.”

Regardless, you may be thinking, this is not how most women naturally look.

To this I say, of course not!

Duh. Part of what makes things perceived as beautiful is that they are hard to attain. Imagine if every ceiling looked like the Sistine Chapel’s.

Bor-ring. No one would ever bother to look up!

So do you need expensive surgery and procedures to look young and beautiful even when you’re over 27?

Well, heck yeah, if you can afford it.

But if you can’t, here’s an alternate plan that requires only 21–43% of your take-home pay and less than 17 hours daily:

Devise and adhere to a 23-step skincare routine that includes retinol, alpha-hydroxy acids, hyaluronic acid, snail, whale, and cattail secretions (the vegan kind), caffeine, and tears of desperation.

Exfoliate your face every three days, your legs every other day, and the rest of your body once a week and on every full moon. Then moisturize! Always wear a minimum SPF of 185, and be sure to look tan, but not “fake tan.”

Hydrate!! You need to drink a lot of water. How much? Shoot for just shy of the level when you experience water poisoning. You may need to experiment.

Avoid wrinkles, dry skin, dark spots, acne, clogged pores, and anything less than the flawless skin of a potty-trained 6-month-old baby.

Apply hair growth serums to your lashes and eyebrows before bed as needed. If your lashes are not as long as those of an elephant, or at least a baby giraffe, fill in with strategically placed individual fake lashes where needed. (With practice, this should take no more than 57 minutes per eye.)

For beautiful hair, after washing it, apply mousse when it’s soaking wet, gel with it’s kinda wet, serum when it’s damp, and hair oil to the ends when it’s dry. Dry your hair on the lowest setting for 3 hours and never drive, go outside, or sleep with it wet. Plan accordingly!

Hair should be visible on your head and nowhere else. Do what you need to do to make this happen.

A good smile is important. Whiten your teeth daily obviously. Also, apply lip plumping serum at least 3–4 times per day. For the lush lip filler look that’s so popular right now with the same amount of pain, but no cost, frequently bite your lip while chewing so it swells.

At minimum get pedicures monthly, manicures bi-weekly, use cuticle oil and a deep moisturizing hand treatment nightly, and always apply all 23 steps of your facial skincare routine to your hands. Otherwise, they will look like they’ve been alive as long as you have — and that will ruin everything!

Exercise is vital.

• Do 5 HIIT workouts or strength training sessions a week to lengthen your telomeres and slow your cellular aging.

• Take at least 3 ballet or barre classes each week to maintain good posture.

• Do 30 minutes of Pilates every weekday to strengthen your core.

• Do 45 minutes of yoga on alternate days to maintain your flexibility. Truly young people can touch their toes and then put their feet behind their heads. (Have you ever seen a baby?)

• Lastly, walk at least 22,000 steps per day to keep your metabolism up!

Don’t forget about exercising your face! Do face yoga at least twice a day for 30 minutes, followed by a relaxing facial massage. Just don’t even consider doing either before doing lymphatic drainage first or you’ll be wasting your time!

The best diet for keeping a youthful and therefore hot appearance is based on whole foods you grow yourself. Digging in the dirt is good for your microbiome. Stay away from anything processed and all sugar, dairy, gluten, soy, meat, fish, beans, starchy vegetables, and high-sugar fruits.

Take supplements such as fish oil, collagen, CoQ10, probiotics, prebiotics, and, just in case, antibiotics, and include fermented foods, such as sauerkraut made with the cabbage you grow yourself.

Sleep at least 10 hours a day, preferably in a zero-gravity sensory deprivation tank. If you don’t have access to one, at the very least sleep on silk sheets while diffusing lavender and frankincense and running a humidifier no more or less than 6 feet from your face while listening to monks chant very, very quietly.

And always lie on your back, and about your age.

Regular meditation gives you a younger brain, which no one sees, but can probably sense, so it’s still important. So meditate for one hour, preferably twice a day.

Finally, all of this will be for nothing if you don’t keep your wardrobe current. Refresh it regularly with current styles and get rid of any item that’s more than 23 months old. Don’t shop at thrift stores. You think that look is Boho, but it’s not, it’s a No-No.

If you do all this, some people will still think you are hot — even if you are over 27! On the one free evening you have a week, while not taking care of your appearance, you can go out and enjoy the approving looks of strangers.

Just don’t stay out past 9:30 pm, though, or you’ll be wrecked the next day.

This method will work — the only thing that could ruin it is if you ever complain about all the effort it takes! Complaining makes you seem old. So, instead, how about you try smiling?

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Hello Substack Friends!

I’d like to thank the thousands of ads for “anti-aging” products I am bombarded with daily for inspiring this post, especially the products that are so ridiculous that even I was not suckered into buying them.

The ones I did buy and later regretted also deserve a shout-out.

Sadly (thankfully?), I have no anti-aging advice, only humor.

If you’re a new subscriber, welcome!

If you’re in the mood for more humor, here are a few other popular posts you could read now instead of seeing ads promising to erase your pores and turn back the clock.

I’m Paleo — Not the Diet, the Aesthetic

How We Discovered the Secrets to a Conflict-Free Marriage!

Choosing the Right Nickname for Your Middle-aged Weight Gain

Thanks so much for reading Humor in the Middle!

Jen